It seems, as soon as we are old enough to give forms to our dreamswe begin to experience little heartbreaks. and the heartbreaks, like these dreams grow, and form what will be part of the expectations that form our reality. Fairy tales aren't real but maybe princes are? Princesses and the powerpuff girls are a construction but maybe rockstars are our true saviors? There is no superman, but there is true love.
I think the kindest gift life can give is enough breathing room, and, possibly a dim enough memory to mute the impact of these heartbreaks for long enough to fall back in love with each and every dream, to experience to overpowering sense of reality and dive head first into the list of things that still hold promise.
If not, though, you are stuck with a more difficult task, and one that gets more difficult as experiences adn revisions pile up and build walls and color your sky and decorate your home. If not, if memory is a robust companion, you are tasked with the effort of suspending the ongoing cynicism, the encroaching anxiety, the fear and defensive numbness that accompanies each new and exciting dream, that shadow your hope with the memory of the last dream, now shattered, picked up, constructed into the new beautiful mosaic that still composes hope.
Sometimes I think this is why self medication is so tempting. Not so much to alter your experience, but to protect yourself from your own memory long enough to completely and totally immerse yourself in a swell of hope so overpowering, so moving, that it makes you open your mind to all of the blinding beauty and possibility you felt when you were a child. To create the willing suspension of disbelief in which a new holistic reality is created that looks less like a funhouse mirror and more like a lense into a dream long forgotten.
But then sometimes you don't need drugs, or good strong bump on the head. Sometimes new experiences are afforded to you that come without strings, that resemble something long forgotten and still so foreign that they don't invite context. These are some of the best, and scariest moments of all, if you can use your memory to absorb the awe of the opportunity.
May 20, 2013
May 18, 2013
Lense
I have friends that only see the beauty in those they love. Every friend is gorgeous, brilliant, undeniably sympathetic, and beyond reproach.They will raptly note how gorgeously voluptuous their full figured friend is or how incredibly creative their mostly clueless and disorganized lover is. And I can tell it isn't just charitable spin, that it is very much the way their brain absorbs the bits of pieces of those they adore...filtering out the unsavory bits and distilling the portions they adore into a unique love potion.
I have come to understand that I am quite the opposite. No matter how much I like you, I will acknowledge when you are being a little more mean spirited or unkind then you should be. I will pick up that misused word or the ridiculous things you do repetitively. I will hear it when you rework the story to meet your logic instead of using your logic to understand the story. I will notice if your shoes don't go with your outfit, even if I really like your dress.
I wish it weren't true.
Understand. I also see the genius, the beauty, to humor, the grace.
They are right there there along with the stumbles and bumbles and falls. They sit next to that strange laugh that I can tell isn't entirely authentic and the way that amazing skirt doesn't really fit you right.
The up side in this is that there are very few falls from grace, very few pedestals I gaze up at, very few moments in which your humanity becomes all too screamingly real and I have to question the reality or source of my affections. The up side is that everyone is flawed, and everyone could be beautiful too and they don't come at the expense of each other. The up side is that I fell in love with you even as I clearly noted and with a bit too much clarity all of these unfortunate details. The up side is that you don't have to hide.
The down side is more clear. It isn't always pleasant. Especially when I hold back my observations and notice the things others seem kind enough to miss. The very bad side is when I find myself lying to pretend that what I just heard was sympathetic or deep or beautiful when I really think it was overly constructed, easy or shallow or even dangerous.
And it might make our relationship less than honest at times, but it does not make it any less authentic and believe it or not, it doesn't make the world any less beautiful
.
interpersonal
dear friend who posts whiny, frustrated comments and pleas on facebook looking for drinking buddies, pleads for deep personal understanding and love (the masses):
at first I made the occasional attempt to reply to your mass postings, or to contact you directly, because I wanted to see you, and, frankly, because I felt bad for you. I felt negligent, as a friend, when I heard sad tails of you spending another night drinking alone. I felt I should make more of an attempt to spend time with you, a friend who was obviously feeling lonely and had time on their hands.
And then it dawned on me: you have not called me or texted me in years. you have made no attempt to see me, personally.You have not even posted on my own damn wall. You have, basically, shown no overtures of friendship, whilst turning facebook into a litany of guilt, an open personal ad for any random person you know well enough to "friend" to keep you company at a place you have already decided to patronize.
And here is the thing. Sometimes, I, too, desire to just drink with a group of people I barely know, or know somewhat, or am imparticular about my company and just want to be out. But I find that such groups build organically on those random days, if I make a small effort to maintain my friendships on the other days. Or they don't and then I call someone and go out and public, and like a rolling stone, hope to gather some warm fuzzy moss. Or I use facebook with low expectations "out at A tonight, with B and C! Join us!" and I enjoy person A's company, even if we drink along, all night.
SO what I am saying, friend is: the reason no one joins you at bar A after lonely plea 1000 is because they are hanging out with specific person B at another bar, who bothered to send them a text, or call them, or in some way, shape, or form, received an invitation that implied someone wanted to hang out with THEM and not just anyone willing to show up.
It is fine to be to desire beer with acquaintances. But you might want to drop the personally wounded tone if you are unwilling to make even the smallest personal effort.
at first I made the occasional attempt to reply to your mass postings, or to contact you directly, because I wanted to see you, and, frankly, because I felt bad for you. I felt negligent, as a friend, when I heard sad tails of you spending another night drinking alone. I felt I should make more of an attempt to spend time with you, a friend who was obviously feeling lonely and had time on their hands.
And then it dawned on me: you have not called me or texted me in years. you have made no attempt to see me, personally.You have not even posted on my own damn wall. You have, basically, shown no overtures of friendship, whilst turning facebook into a litany of guilt, an open personal ad for any random person you know well enough to "friend" to keep you company at a place you have already decided to patronize.
And here is the thing. Sometimes, I, too, desire to just drink with a group of people I barely know, or know somewhat, or am imparticular about my company and just want to be out. But I find that such groups build organically on those random days, if I make a small effort to maintain my friendships on the other days. Or they don't and then I call someone and go out and public, and like a rolling stone, hope to gather some warm fuzzy moss. Or I use facebook with low expectations "out at A tonight, with B and C! Join us!" and I enjoy person A's company, even if we drink along, all night.
SO what I am saying, friend is: the reason no one joins you at bar A after lonely plea 1000 is because they are hanging out with specific person B at another bar, who bothered to send them a text, or call them, or in some way, shape, or form, received an invitation that implied someone wanted to hang out with THEM and not just anyone willing to show up.
It is fine to be to desire beer with acquaintances. But you might want to drop the personally wounded tone if you are unwilling to make even the smallest personal effort.
Apr 6, 2013
all looks
I get them on the bus and I get them on the street and I get them from you
The way people look on you has a far reaching effect on how you experience the world
I've been called everything from paranoid to overly sensitive when I try to describe this, but I find it hard to imagine that a lifetime of gentle, caring, welcoming and loving looks wouldn't have a different effect on the human psyche that a world filled with angry glares and distrustful stares. Or no looks at all.
One of the most fascinating things about being pregnant is that people look at you differently. First off: they look at you more. And they directly look at you, they let their glances, stares and assessments present with full disclosure, and generally the look is benign, often even kind or encouraging. I like to call it the inner coo. I see similar look when I walk my dog and recognize myself doing it when I see another cute dog. I am, effectively, smiling with my eyes at the cute cute puppy. I don't know why, the dog certainly can't smile back...but I am sharing a moment of nurturing and appreciation and joy with that dog and it's owner.
To be looked at so openly, to be so clearly regarded, and to be regarded as a non threatening known entity is at first confusing, and then comforting.
And...well, I really wish there was a way to describe this without sounding slightly insane, or incredibly paranoid, but as a woman who remembers large portions of her life where she received less than welcoming looks, averted glances that communicated the ways she did not fit in, looks on lust from the wrong person, looks of distrust from even more confusing sources, and then, as a middle aged woman, less looks altogether: it is one of the few parts of pregnancy I will truly miss.
The way people look on you has a far reaching effect on how you experience the world
I've been called everything from paranoid to overly sensitive when I try to describe this, but I find it hard to imagine that a lifetime of gentle, caring, welcoming and loving looks wouldn't have a different effect on the human psyche that a world filled with angry glares and distrustful stares. Or no looks at all.
One of the most fascinating things about being pregnant is that people look at you differently. First off: they look at you more. And they directly look at you, they let their glances, stares and assessments present with full disclosure, and generally the look is benign, often even kind or encouraging. I like to call it the inner coo. I see similar look when I walk my dog and recognize myself doing it when I see another cute dog. I am, effectively, smiling with my eyes at the cute cute puppy. I don't know why, the dog certainly can't smile back...but I am sharing a moment of nurturing and appreciation and joy with that dog and it's owner.
To be looked at so openly, to be so clearly regarded, and to be regarded as a non threatening known entity is at first confusing, and then comforting.
And...well, I really wish there was a way to describe this without sounding slightly insane, or incredibly paranoid, but as a woman who remembers large portions of her life where she received less than welcoming looks, averted glances that communicated the ways she did not fit in, looks on lust from the wrong person, looks of distrust from even more confusing sources, and then, as a middle aged woman, less looks altogether: it is one of the few parts of pregnancy I will truly miss.
Mar 20, 2013
"everything will change when your desire to move on exceeds your desire to hang on"
I've been at points in my life in which a decision to suddenly change something large appeared arbitrary, confusing, perhaps even a bit insane.
Usually this takes the form of job taking. Unlike most people I know I have rarely changed jobs for a huge promotion or increase in pay. I have even been known to leave a very secure, well paying job, that easily came to me for a job that was challenging and, ultimately paid less.
Why would I do such a thing to myself.
The same reason you might get married, or have a baby, or get a pet, or ...break up, even.
All these things, they are all very different. In degrees and in quality and in reward. Some might have a much more obvious reward (see, years of love from offspring) while some might be a little less clear (see: painful breakup with non abusive partner).
But they share something in common that is not just relevant, but very simply should not be shorted in it's significance.
A need to move on. A need to change. A need to grow.
Understand: stillness is very important. Presence. Being in your moment and not living for the future and growth helps you appreciate your present and enjoy the fruits of your choice.
But inherently, metabolically, organically, we are objects in motion. We are moving towards something. And it is not always wonderful, but often it is necessary.
Sometimes you will make a choice that does not present an obvious immediate reward to those looking on, or even yourself, but you will know and feel it's necessity, long before the ultimate payout becomes clear.
Even though the ultimate payout has already begun to bare dividends.
I believe acknowledging your own action instead of creating resistance inertia, is a reward unto itself. It bears the fruit of self actualization and creates an honesty that will allow you to enjoy the love in your life, the joys in your future more wholly. It is the process of shedding your shell, over and over again, and baring your skin to the wind so you can eventually feel the sun.
Put on your sunglasses, you just went outside. And right now it will burn. But soon it will be glorious.
I've been at points in my life in which a decision to suddenly change something large appeared arbitrary, confusing, perhaps even a bit insane.
Usually this takes the form of job taking. Unlike most people I know I have rarely changed jobs for a huge promotion or increase in pay. I have even been known to leave a very secure, well paying job, that easily came to me for a job that was challenging and, ultimately paid less.
Why would I do such a thing to myself.
The same reason you might get married, or have a baby, or get a pet, or ...break up, even.
All these things, they are all very different. In degrees and in quality and in reward. Some might have a much more obvious reward (see, years of love from offspring) while some might be a little less clear (see: painful breakup with non abusive partner).
But they share something in common that is not just relevant, but very simply should not be shorted in it's significance.
A need to move on. A need to change. A need to grow.
Understand: stillness is very important. Presence. Being in your moment and not living for the future and growth helps you appreciate your present and enjoy the fruits of your choice.
But inherently, metabolically, organically, we are objects in motion. We are moving towards something. And it is not always wonderful, but often it is necessary.
Sometimes you will make a choice that does not present an obvious immediate reward to those looking on, or even yourself, but you will know and feel it's necessity, long before the ultimate payout becomes clear.
Even though the ultimate payout has already begun to bare dividends.
I believe acknowledging your own action instead of creating resistance inertia, is a reward unto itself. It bears the fruit of self actualization and creates an honesty that will allow you to enjoy the love in your life, the joys in your future more wholly. It is the process of shedding your shell, over and over again, and baring your skin to the wind so you can eventually feel the sun.
Put on your sunglasses, you just went outside. And right now it will burn. But soon it will be glorious.
Jan 26, 2013
"You never meet anybody that thinks they're a bad person." (The Talented Mr Ripley)
The real issue has something to do with the fact that you believe you are a good person. Righteous. At your core, no matter what you do, a worthy and wonderful human at your core. And it allows you to do strange, insensitive and unkind things, always retreating back to this assumption that you have not, yet tarnished the golden nugget at your core that allows you to live without shame.
Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is an appreciation for the inherent value of human life. For your inherent beauty. But then I ask: do you begin with the same assumption around every other person. Are they also a good person who was just mean that day? Are they, at their core, kind and productive, but just feeling lazy and harsh the day or month you knew them?
Or maybe it is the opposite.
I have known more than one guy who has begun or ended our dialogue with the admission "well, I am an asshole" Not in a sad, "I wish I could change" kind of way, but as if this was some sort of explanation for their behavior, as if this was the end of the story, a distinct unmovable core of their being that dictated their actions.
And maybe they believed this of others as well.
But I suspect not.
The thing about value judgements is that words only have real impact and value when they have context. Everyone may be beautiful on their own way, but you know, when we call a person a hotty, it would have no meaning without the sad reality of the ugly duckling next door. When we say someone is mean, or cruel, we imagine someone else out there is kind.
And when we begin from a notion that we are obviously a wonderful person who just may do some bad things, without presuming the same of others, we begin a big long slippery slope that allows our actions to exist in a strange grey zone that does not dictate our self worth. And the biggest issue with that is that we begin to lose perspective, we begin to lose the motivation to change our actions, because, in the end, we are a wonderful person, no matter what we do.
This is very dangerous. I have met people who hurt person after person and then will turn around and talk about what a bad person another person is, without even considering what their actions say about them.
Likewise I have witnessed the sad reality of a person whose whole life is devoted to helping others feel better or be happier, and then will consider themselves tainted, damaged, sad or bad because of something they were led to believe about their sould.
It is the thing I repeat more often than anything else. We are, for the most part, what we do. And that is good, because we can choose what we do.
You are the sort of person who does what you do, no matter what you do. And you have the capacity to change that. For better or for worse.
You can be kind or amazing or self sacrificing, or unforgiving, or cruel. Even if, out of habit, it does not come easy.
The real issue has something to do with the fact that you believe you are a good person. Righteous. At your core, no matter what you do, a worthy and wonderful human at your core. And it allows you to do strange, insensitive and unkind things, always retreating back to this assumption that you have not, yet tarnished the golden nugget at your core that allows you to live without shame.
Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is an appreciation for the inherent value of human life. For your inherent beauty. But then I ask: do you begin with the same assumption around every other person. Are they also a good person who was just mean that day? Are they, at their core, kind and productive, but just feeling lazy and harsh the day or month you knew them?
Or maybe it is the opposite.
I have known more than one guy who has begun or ended our dialogue with the admission "well, I am an asshole" Not in a sad, "I wish I could change" kind of way, but as if this was some sort of explanation for their behavior, as if this was the end of the story, a distinct unmovable core of their being that dictated their actions.
And maybe they believed this of others as well.
But I suspect not.
The thing about value judgements is that words only have real impact and value when they have context. Everyone may be beautiful on their own way, but you know, when we call a person a hotty, it would have no meaning without the sad reality of the ugly duckling next door. When we say someone is mean, or cruel, we imagine someone else out there is kind.
And when we begin from a notion that we are obviously a wonderful person who just may do some bad things, without presuming the same of others, we begin a big long slippery slope that allows our actions to exist in a strange grey zone that does not dictate our self worth. And the biggest issue with that is that we begin to lose perspective, we begin to lose the motivation to change our actions, because, in the end, we are a wonderful person, no matter what we do.
This is very dangerous. I have met people who hurt person after person and then will turn around and talk about what a bad person another person is, without even considering what their actions say about them.
Likewise I have witnessed the sad reality of a person whose whole life is devoted to helping others feel better or be happier, and then will consider themselves tainted, damaged, sad or bad because of something they were led to believe about their sould.
It is the thing I repeat more often than anything else. We are, for the most part, what we do. And that is good, because we can choose what we do.
You are the sort of person who does what you do, no matter what you do. And you have the capacity to change that. For better or for worse.
You can be kind or amazing or self sacrificing, or unforgiving, or cruel. Even if, out of habit, it does not come easy.
Jan 24, 2013
I live with an interesting paradox that has slowly become part of "being me"
On one end we have the multitudes of people who treat me like I am really just very very smart. They say it, they refer to it, they assume I know that they know that everyone knows that I am just so quick and clever. I have never entirely understood it, and have often pondered what one intelligent thing I said, way back when, or one dumb thing I was lucky enough not to say while I sat there not looking confused, has led them to the conclusion that I am bright.
Still, it shows up on job reviews and in random comments, and even accompanies criticism, a presumption that my communication skills, patience or social skills are somehow not keeping time with my intellect.
It is a nice presumption to live with...probably better than assuming I am a raging idiot, and having to work from that angle, but then sometimes I have also wondered if I was cuter, had a higher voice, or better social skills, if people would just assume I was a little less quick on the draw. Which is to say, it might be a inductive conclusion , based on other attributes I lack.
That being said, for as many people who just think I'm smart, there are just as many people who seem to find me naive, or assume I live a life of relative ease.
And yes, in a children starving in China kind of fashion, I DO live an easy life. I am not interested in arguing that point. Compared to the vast populations of people who do not have enough resources to survive or begin to thrive, I am 100% lucky. And if someone at our clinic were to imply I was damn fortunate in comparison, I'd be inclined to agree.
But what fascinates me is the numbers of other people who fit into my "demographic"...who are young to middle aged, generally healthy, homed, fed and from "good families", with jobs and educations, who look at me and treat me just a little like I could never understand very hard work.
I have difficulties explained to me, challenges elaborated for me in a "I know you can't understand how hard this will be" kind of way, I have assume things will go well for me, that a robust support system exists and that I will not and have not face the challenges they face, and it baffles me.
And, ofcourse, these are often the same people. One moment putting me on a pedestal, the next moment assuming only sunshine, rainbows and a chaise lounge are allowed up on my mountain.
And maybe this is a symptom of deeper issues: maybe I just don't appear to be trying hard enough. Maybe I seem like I was born with silver spoon in my mouth, maybe it just appears, from a distance, like tragedy and frustration and serious emotional compromise has just never been presented to me.
But in the end I really don't know.
I just mostly want to remind people to drop a few more assumptions when they walk through my door. To try empathy on for size. To look at me and everyone else and ask a few questions before assuming you know where they are starting and what they are dealing with.
I might be the dumbest person in the room, and I might very well have some shit I am dealing with that you couldn't even imagine, because you just never asked.
On one end we have the multitudes of people who treat me like I am really just very very smart. They say it, they refer to it, they assume I know that they know that everyone knows that I am just so quick and clever. I have never entirely understood it, and have often pondered what one intelligent thing I said, way back when, or one dumb thing I was lucky enough not to say while I sat there not looking confused, has led them to the conclusion that I am bright.
Still, it shows up on job reviews and in random comments, and even accompanies criticism, a presumption that my communication skills, patience or social skills are somehow not keeping time with my intellect.
It is a nice presumption to live with...probably better than assuming I am a raging idiot, and having to work from that angle, but then sometimes I have also wondered if I was cuter, had a higher voice, or better social skills, if people would just assume I was a little less quick on the draw. Which is to say, it might be a inductive conclusion , based on other attributes I lack.
That being said, for as many people who just think I'm smart, there are just as many people who seem to find me naive, or assume I live a life of relative ease.
And yes, in a children starving in China kind of fashion, I DO live an easy life. I am not interested in arguing that point. Compared to the vast populations of people who do not have enough resources to survive or begin to thrive, I am 100% lucky. And if someone at our clinic were to imply I was damn fortunate in comparison, I'd be inclined to agree.
But what fascinates me is the numbers of other people who fit into my "demographic"...who are young to middle aged, generally healthy, homed, fed and from "good families", with jobs and educations, who look at me and treat me just a little like I could never understand very hard work.
I have difficulties explained to me, challenges elaborated for me in a "I know you can't understand how hard this will be" kind of way, I have assume things will go well for me, that a robust support system exists and that I will not and have not face the challenges they face, and it baffles me.
And, ofcourse, these are often the same people. One moment putting me on a pedestal, the next moment assuming only sunshine, rainbows and a chaise lounge are allowed up on my mountain.
And maybe this is a symptom of deeper issues: maybe I just don't appear to be trying hard enough. Maybe I seem like I was born with silver spoon in my mouth, maybe it just appears, from a distance, like tragedy and frustration and serious emotional compromise has just never been presented to me.
But in the end I really don't know.
I just mostly want to remind people to drop a few more assumptions when they walk through my door. To try empathy on for size. To look at me and everyone else and ask a few questions before assuming you know where they are starting and what they are dealing with.
I might be the dumbest person in the room, and I might very well have some shit I am dealing with that you couldn't even imagine, because you just never asked.
Jan 21, 2013
the myth of the woman precedes her
emotional, empathetic, maternal, illogical, crazy
and much like gas lighting, it not only influences opinion, colors her every reaction, but it influences a whole new set of reactions, creating a feedback loop that spawns generations and cultures of crazy bitches and emotional princesses who need your help and guidance
and just as pretty needs ugly to make itself relevant, crazy needs sane to follow any logic at all
this is often to me the biggest sin of all. for as sad, frustrating, annoying and often defeating it to, as a woman, have many of your reactions devalued into a large swimming category of "nuts, hormonal and emotional", it strikes me as even more patently overwhelming to be part of a group whose beliefs are adorned with rationality where there is none
which is to say, anyone who has ever lived with a man knows he is crazy too. or at least emotional, hormonal, and occasionally existing outside the bounds of extreme logic
which is to really say, crazy is it's own animal, and it is probably best to reserve definitions of insanity for those truly living outside the bounds of reason, logic and any emotional stability and consider something else
the profound imbalance that exists in policy, business and family, not the mention gender relations, when one whole gender is saddled with always proving their own logic as rational and another presents with the presumption and responsibility of sanity and stability.
the continuum of shame implied in this is truly mindboggling
emotional, empathetic, maternal, illogical, crazy
and much like gas lighting, it not only influences opinion, colors her every reaction, but it influences a whole new set of reactions, creating a feedback loop that spawns generations and cultures of crazy bitches and emotional princesses who need your help and guidance
and just as pretty needs ugly to make itself relevant, crazy needs sane to follow any logic at all
this is often to me the biggest sin of all. for as sad, frustrating, annoying and often defeating it to, as a woman, have many of your reactions devalued into a large swimming category of "nuts, hormonal and emotional", it strikes me as even more patently overwhelming to be part of a group whose beliefs are adorned with rationality where there is none
which is to say, anyone who has ever lived with a man knows he is crazy too. or at least emotional, hormonal, and occasionally existing outside the bounds of extreme logic
which is to really say, crazy is it's own animal, and it is probably best to reserve definitions of insanity for those truly living outside the bounds of reason, logic and any emotional stability and consider something else
the profound imbalance that exists in policy, business and family, not the mention gender relations, when one whole gender is saddled with always proving their own logic as rational and another presents with the presumption and responsibility of sanity and stability.
the continuum of shame implied in this is truly mindboggling
social evolution
Sometimes I contemplate the ills we perpetrate upon eachother...the lying, the cheating, the breakups and makeups and grey lines and communication breakdowns...and wonder if it is all a biproduct of a shift in life's duration and freedoms
These days the average American lives about 80 years. They own cars that can take them cross country and some travel 100 miles on average, daily, just to do their job. They move to other cities, other states and start new lives. They can travel around the world.
They also start new jobs, start life slower, experience new beginnings that could never be imagined only 50 years ago.
If you watch Mad Men, one of the most amazing things about Don Draper is that he is a man of new beginnings. He is a man who believes you can, quite actually, start again. New name, new city, new wife, new meaning.
Don Draper also lies, cheats, and a experiences a slippy and confusing world of shifting morality in which he can hide his world from those he wishes to and divulge his intimacies at his whim, not his obligation. At the onset his wife is safely cloistered in the city as he experiences a completely different lifestyle in the city. There he has one set of friends, who share his moral compass, a girlfriend, a huge blank slate painted by his significant wallet and only limited by his creativity, his charm. One train ride later he is in a whole new world, with a family, other friends, other rules, and never the twain shall meet.
Years later we see him do this all over again, as if the past never existed, picking a choosing the legacies he wishes to maintain, while leaving whole other memories, whole other personas behind.
Except, of course that he can't.
The simple reality seems to be that you can't be one person for one hour and another person the next hour. You can't have many lives and not experience a cognitive dissonance without integrating them, learning from them.
I suspect this also counts for the lives we experience in the passage of time....we always want people to get over things, move on, forgive and forget. To dispose of who we were, grow up, get over it.
But the reality is that most of us carry everything from our families to our past loves to our past foibles with us...and the more we experience, the longer we live, the larger this hodgepodge of lives, loves and needs becomes to assimilate.
I mean, think about it. If you lived 60 years in a small village, you would have massive incentive to be faithful and true to those around you. Otherwise you would experience not just a variety a profound social issues, but most likely financial blockades as well.
You might be compelled to treat you wife or ex wife better, you might consider your partners more carefully, understanding the limits of your options, knowing that a mile away, there they would live, if things didn't work out.
And even if, in the course of your life you changes careers, learned carpentry, engineering, and then created beautiful paintings that inspired everyone, you couldn't reinvent yourself. You'd still be the carpenter in many's eyes, the engineer in others, and some would be confused, but many would be forced to assimilate all of these facets, and appreciate your complexity.
You might also be likely to take these changes more seriously, and understand what you were starting, what you were leaving behind. Applying for an apprenticeship you would have to prove you were now serious about this new art, and work extra hard.
If you had children, others would know your children. They would be told to behave well, so that would reflect well on you. Likewise, how you treated them would, on some level, be known, and only a life of cloistered secrecy could hide serious transgressions. The village would carry, somewhere, in their hearts, the secrets of your abuses, should you choose to inflict them.
Look, I am not saying that people shouldn't leave home, or pursue new experiences, new things, new loves, new lives, when that is what they need.
Actually I am prone to believe that people should do this more than they do. With so many options to know and see other cultures, other worlds, they should experience them, understand varying world and cultures, and choose explicitly.
But I guess I don't believe you can reinvent yourself, or truly ever leave the past behind, or move along without conscious hard work. Leaving careers, loves, lives takes work, and a lot people are so heady with their options that they don't do the work, leaving, quite frankly, a mess behind.
There is another moment in Mad Men, when the drapers go on a family picnic at some park. They have a lovely time, on their picnic blanket, with they paper wrapped treats and so forth. And at the end, Betty picks up the blankets, shakes it out, leaving trash everywhere, and they happily get in the car everywhere, never looking back on the mess they have left.
They go back to a home only miles away, where they hire someone to clean up other messes, never considering the train that person get back on to go wherever they go, to deal with their own lives. A person they speak to as if they were a blank slate, absorbing their secrets and lies as if they don't exists.
They would never do that in their own backyard or their friends backyard. And they would never speak to their own mother or neighbor that way if they thought they would have to see them, again and again, for the duration of their lives.
SO what I speak to is the disconnect our current evolution can create. The ability to want sex one places and a home now and a meal without nutrition but still a beautiful body. And then, five years later, a whole other set of rules, boundaries and commitments, for as long as they last.
Perhaps the challenge of a generation with boundless options is to understand that not treating these options with equally weighty obligation means that these options will some day disappear.
Obesity will lower or lifespan and the internet will allow all your girlfriends to get to know each other. In ten minutes the person you knew from highschool will be able to connect with your current boss 3 million miles away and all your lovers will be there, watching.
Time to evolve, just a little bit more.
These days the average American lives about 80 years. They own cars that can take them cross country and some travel 100 miles on average, daily, just to do their job. They move to other cities, other states and start new lives. They can travel around the world.
They also start new jobs, start life slower, experience new beginnings that could never be imagined only 50 years ago.
If you watch Mad Men, one of the most amazing things about Don Draper is that he is a man of new beginnings. He is a man who believes you can, quite actually, start again. New name, new city, new wife, new meaning.
Don Draper also lies, cheats, and a experiences a slippy and confusing world of shifting morality in which he can hide his world from those he wishes to and divulge his intimacies at his whim, not his obligation. At the onset his wife is safely cloistered in the city as he experiences a completely different lifestyle in the city. There he has one set of friends, who share his moral compass, a girlfriend, a huge blank slate painted by his significant wallet and only limited by his creativity, his charm. One train ride later he is in a whole new world, with a family, other friends, other rules, and never the twain shall meet.
Years later we see him do this all over again, as if the past never existed, picking a choosing the legacies he wishes to maintain, while leaving whole other memories, whole other personas behind.
Except, of course that he can't.
The simple reality seems to be that you can't be one person for one hour and another person the next hour. You can't have many lives and not experience a cognitive dissonance without integrating them, learning from them.
I suspect this also counts for the lives we experience in the passage of time....we always want people to get over things, move on, forgive and forget. To dispose of who we were, grow up, get over it.
But the reality is that most of us carry everything from our families to our past loves to our past foibles with us...and the more we experience, the longer we live, the larger this hodgepodge of lives, loves and needs becomes to assimilate.
I mean, think about it. If you lived 60 years in a small village, you would have massive incentive to be faithful and true to those around you. Otherwise you would experience not just a variety a profound social issues, but most likely financial blockades as well.
You might be compelled to treat you wife or ex wife better, you might consider your partners more carefully, understanding the limits of your options, knowing that a mile away, there they would live, if things didn't work out.
And even if, in the course of your life you changes careers, learned carpentry, engineering, and then created beautiful paintings that inspired everyone, you couldn't reinvent yourself. You'd still be the carpenter in many's eyes, the engineer in others, and some would be confused, but many would be forced to assimilate all of these facets, and appreciate your complexity.
You might also be likely to take these changes more seriously, and understand what you were starting, what you were leaving behind. Applying for an apprenticeship you would have to prove you were now serious about this new art, and work extra hard.
If you had children, others would know your children. They would be told to behave well, so that would reflect well on you. Likewise, how you treated them would, on some level, be known, and only a life of cloistered secrecy could hide serious transgressions. The village would carry, somewhere, in their hearts, the secrets of your abuses, should you choose to inflict them.
Look, I am not saying that people shouldn't leave home, or pursue new experiences, new things, new loves, new lives, when that is what they need.
Actually I am prone to believe that people should do this more than they do. With so many options to know and see other cultures, other worlds, they should experience them, understand varying world and cultures, and choose explicitly.
But I guess I don't believe you can reinvent yourself, or truly ever leave the past behind, or move along without conscious hard work. Leaving careers, loves, lives takes work, and a lot people are so heady with their options that they don't do the work, leaving, quite frankly, a mess behind.
There is another moment in Mad Men, when the drapers go on a family picnic at some park. They have a lovely time, on their picnic blanket, with they paper wrapped treats and so forth. And at the end, Betty picks up the blankets, shakes it out, leaving trash everywhere, and they happily get in the car everywhere, never looking back on the mess they have left.
They go back to a home only miles away, where they hire someone to clean up other messes, never considering the train that person get back on to go wherever they go, to deal with their own lives. A person they speak to as if they were a blank slate, absorbing their secrets and lies as if they don't exists.
They would never do that in their own backyard or their friends backyard. And they would never speak to their own mother or neighbor that way if they thought they would have to see them, again and again, for the duration of their lives.
SO what I speak to is the disconnect our current evolution can create. The ability to want sex one places and a home now and a meal without nutrition but still a beautiful body. And then, five years later, a whole other set of rules, boundaries and commitments, for as long as they last.
Perhaps the challenge of a generation with boundless options is to understand that not treating these options with equally weighty obligation means that these options will some day disappear.
Obesity will lower or lifespan and the internet will allow all your girlfriends to get to know each other. In ten minutes the person you knew from highschool will be able to connect with your current boss 3 million miles away and all your lovers will be there, watching.
Time to evolve, just a little bit more.
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